Another milestone Ameer, turns 21!

 Welcome lovelies, 

As I sit down to honour my second born on his 21st birthday, I am overwhelmed with emotion: for the huge milestone of having another young adult in my home and for the absolutely demanding year and all that we have weathered in our little home. Lockdown hit my second born the hardest, he is the most outgoing and social; he loves his campus life, went to gym on a daily basis and used to spend at least 2 nights a week playing soccer. When we entered level 5 of lockdown, all his activities came to an abrupt halt, and life went into hibernation mode. He's always been a busy young man, evidenced by his early  impatience to become easily mobile, as a result he was already sauntering about way before his 1st birthday.

Throughout his life, he has striven for excellence, mastering every single task he undertook with unwavering focus. Every single challenge was embraced and dealt with ease, ensuring that he navigated his first 21 years with many opportunities to learn and expand his horizons. We have indeed been Divinely gifted with this young man placed upon our path, he has brought enlightenment, immense growth and personal development. He is testimony to the beauty and suitability of The Divine Plan.♥️

Being a parent to another 21 year old young man is a massive responsibility, a sacred duty which I take seriously. Parenting has resulted in an expanding of my own horizons; it has meant being faced with my shortcomings and learning to navigate with this knowledge. I am more aware now of what being a parent is all about; as I look back fondly at the simpler times, where it was all important to complete a collection of Pokemon tokens, or scoring goals in his club soccer match. Parenting young adults is fraught with different trials and new lessons, it distinctly highlights how much you have grown, from when idealistically set out on this journey. While being a young adult means they're stepping into the world of adulthood, my heart still holds them close as my 'babies' and I can vividly remember our bonding moments where they could fit snugly in my lap. My most precious memories being of feeding time, where the world stood still as my body nourished these little humans. This alone was one of the wonderful parenting duties I am most grateful to have been able to perform. Or reading before bedtime... or bath time or the very first day at school. These moments are countless, and keep me warm and fuzzy through those times when I start to feel the inevitable separation. 

Ameer, as you stand on the cusp of adulthood, I take this moment to honour your presence in my (and our) life:

 

My adventurous, fearless and bold young soul, 

You have ensured that our home is lively

With your busy energy and abundant bustle.

The thirst for knowledge driving you to search for answers,

To questions most don't even contemplate.

The wonders of the world has always captured your imagination,

Enthralling you, enveloping you.

Your engaging presence draws many to your side, 

And some of your friendships have lasted longer than your school years.

Fiercely loyal, with a caring nature, 

And a fun-loving character, 

You bring sunshine and cheer to the dark. 

Your name means leader,

A role you adopt with ease,

As you traverse your way on the path of life. 

My prayer for you, is to always be true to yourself,

Be kind and be happy.

May your days be filled, living your purpose, 

May they be filled with moments which makes your soul smile,

And your Heart soar 💗

Above all, 

Celebrate your identity of a proud Muslim young man, 

Creating your own path under Divine Guidance. 

With this in your armoury

You'll conquer those mountains as you ascend the mountains and hills before you.

We love and honour you, 

Always,

Our Ameer 

At 6 months old and already a whopping 10kg

You were a bookworm and enjoyed reading ... 

Pine Lake adventures date back 20 years

Always climbing and clambering

A die-hard Barca fan 

Still living for soccer as a 21 year old!

You observe the world through your own unique lens

And the tallest guy in our home, towering over us all

18 months ago at your older brothers 21st, when gatherings were still allowed

Working on your speech as a tribute to big brother

The 'Ameer Pose'

Caio for now, 

RuBe xoxo

 

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Dealing with the unspoken

Welcome back lovely readers!

We have passed the halfway mark of Ramadaan and heading towards the last ten days, and as always this month seems to be passing us by in a whirlwind. It is a bit of a contradiction since life has certainly slowed down in many other ways, lockdown has meant no work, no school, no sport, no socialising and no coffee or dinner dates. The very concept that the world has 'shut down' is incomprehensible, and yet we are living through it. I have heard and seen the words 'unprecedented' and 'unchartered waters' so many times in a day that its meaning has subtly somehow worn off. The solitude we find ourselves in can be comforting for some, welcomed even, while it may be a nightmare for others. And it could be both, depending on how we're feeling on a particular day. 

It has definitely been a blessing to experience a Ramadaan without the outside noise, to be encouraged to stay home and restrict social engagements. There could be no better way to spend this month, the only thing missing is the nightly congregational taraweeh prayers, which have now been replaced by our own family 'congregational' prayers, with each son taking turns to lead. This has been the first year we've done this and it will certainly remain a memorable and special Ramadaan for this very reason. We have spent so much time together as a family, even with the demands of tertiary online learning in the evenings. 

On the other hand, everyone misses the social engagement, misses talking face to face with a friend or laughing with family. I have my days where things feel like they're never going to settle into a 'new normal' and I struggle in frustration to comprehend what that will be like. In the same way my kids will be anxious about things related to lockdown. Remote learning is definitely not for everyone, and becomes extremely challenging when the workload is already pretty heavy. Since I have older kids, I can see the amount of time required for them to catch up with missed work, and at the same time maintain a current work schedule. A crucial part of attending campus or school is the intermittent breaks with your peers, bringing fun into the day. These breaks offer relaxation, the opportunity to laugh, play sport, chat and eat; easing the anxiety and pressure of enormous workloads and complicated concepts. With lockdown, the only relief  available is to video call a friend/s, play online games, read or watch series. This is a very isolated existence for social beings like my kids. One of the biggest losses for them during this time has been the inability to play team sport, and to make it even worse, all soccer leagues were suspended. Pre-COVID much of their lives revolved around soccer, whether playing it or watching it and debating stats with friends. They would host FIFA tournaments at home, play fives every weekend, enjoy game nights and watch soccer matches together. They've missed birthdays, 21st celebrations and even graduations 😳

All their socialising came to an abrupt end 59 days ago when our home when into lockdown, and their only social engagements was with their siblings and parents. It has actually been great, and upon second thought, I realise that from my perspective it has been great. The element of loss for our kids and uncertainty would add to anxiety and stress. In addition, seeing the large numbers of infected cases around the world and at home, as well as the growing numbers in the Western Cape further exacerbates feelings of fear. All of this has an impact on them, and as parents we seldom consider what seeing parents leave to do essential shopping wearing masks, and upon return disinfecting every single item purchase before packing it away (as I do) may do to them.  We've resorted to FaceTime calls to share birthday wishes, a virtual 'party' for Ihsaan, and even though they fully understand the state we're in, it doesn't make it easier for them. My younger nephews want to know when things will be 'finished' - a clear message that they're done doing lockdown. Some households have major financial implications, struggling to make ends meet, and this adds more stress to an already untenable situation in the home. 

Despite doing our daily gratitude exercises, we talk about what this lockdown has meant for the kids, and how they feel about it. Feelings vacillate, one moment they are happy that the country has taken this seriously enough to enforce a lockdown, on the other hand they are frustrated, stressed, anxious and worried. There is no solution to quickly end lockdown, and this means that these feelings will remain, so the only thing I can do as a parent is to allow them the space and offer support, this looks differently for each child. I can only be there for them, provide a shoulder to cry on for when they're feeling down, and be understanding when they're feeling frustrated, angry or stressed. As we experience our good days and bad days, so do they, and they may not necessarily have all the tools in their toolbox to manage these feelings and emotions. If they won't speak to you as the parent, explore alternative options to help them, I am sure there are many counsellors or psychologists offering services during this time. I am grateful that we are not 'stuck' in an abusive home, however it does not mean that our kids aren't in need of support. It is essential that we are tuned in to what our kids may need from us (or an external provider), so we can attempt to keep them mentally healthy, capable of working remotely and getting through this hard period of isolation. 

I've seen some concerning posts on suicide and depression, and lockdown has certainly triggered a surge. As a parent, please be vigilant to your kids' state of mind; and if you're the one feeling like this, please reach out for help or just a chat.♥️

"The only thing more exhausting than being depressed is pretending that you're not." —Anonymous

Some lockdown images...

This Ramadaan, I have decided to recite and read the transliteration with notes and commentary

Lockdown baking and cooking happens on the daily

As part of the FLC team, we created a photo collage message

My garden is really my happy place 

Our family games nights have been replaced by family taraweeh prayers

Please STAY HOME, STAY SAFE and STAY HEALTHY. 

Caio for now, 

RuBe xoxo

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Managing the Mommy Guilt

Hi beautiful readers!

As I sat down to pour some of my thoughts into my blog space I realised that this will be my first post of 2020 (or 20PLENTY as it's been dubbed). And it's taken me more than a week to finalise just this one post!

Indeed this year is just over a month old and it already feels like I have had several months of 2020 ☺️

Upon my return from our annual break, I was back in office the very next day (6 January) and it's literally been only a month and here I am, already feeling the need for another break. This past month I have been really busy with work and getting my Women's Tour sorted for next month. I was so focused that I completely forgot that my youngest still needed supplies for school. I found myself in a comfort zone, where my older sons still had an entire month before they started Uni. Until it hit me that Ihsaan needed school shoes, stationery (and because I travelled the last few weeks of school, I didn't organise it last year) and some uniform items. I was then one of those braving the shops on the last minute, two days before school getting things together.

I'm usually very organised and manage the home, work and kids relatively well; so you can imagine the self-berating that took place to find myself in this position. I had to accept the fact that sometimes things fall through the cracks and that it's actually ok, and whilst I've made huge strides in managing mommy guilt, it still creeps up occasionally. This was one of those times it snuck up on me; and because I've been so busy with work since our return from holiday, it was just amplified. To make it worse, two weeks into the school term, and still battling to get his textbooks sorted, Ihsaan met with an accident and suffered a really bad injury 😢Pile on the mommy guilt. And it just increased with other occurrences with my other two young men. More mommy guilt...

I eventually reached the point where I had to pull myself back, reflect and be realistic. And the reality of the 12 months, which involved extensive traveling, long workdays and work weeks that lasted months, hit me full force. My default mode is to power through, take care of everyone and the home, as if my work load had not quadrupled, with ease and a smile. I know this about myself, I usually know how to manage when I go into default mode... and somehow I missed the moment when automated mode kicked in this time around. It usually means that at some point I crash, my body sends me signals and I burn out... I managed to heed the warning signs along the way, and would take some time to nurture myself, but soon after I'd just fall back into default mode. 

Only this past week did it dawn on me that I was in my usual cycle, with mommy guilt as my fuel. I had to critically look at how I prioritise time, and make a conscious decision to get back on track on a sustainable basis. ie not only nurture when things get too much, but try and maintain it on a regular basis to avoid the signs of burnout. I realise my trigger is the mommy guilt, or the guilt when I'm too tired to cook, or when I cannot muster up the energy to have a conversation with my boys. I realised this when I finally found the presence of mind to excuse myself for a few hours from the busyness of my life;  and reset myself at the beach... Alone ... Listening to my music and watching the crashing waves... I sat there  and consciously disconnected from work, from the kids, from all the responsibilities and duties and just immersed myself in nature. Those few hours were sorely needed, and as I drove home, I felt lighter and more centred. 

I don't think I've found the magic formula for managing the mommy guilt, nor have I figured out how to avoid it; but I do know how to identify when I've gone way off track. This mommy guilt is a self induced punishment brought upon by my own impossibly high standards and expectations I have for myself ... ie I am very aware that these expectations have been set up by ME. I've also been reminded that when I decide to take a time out, the world goes on and the 'kids' manage themselves. And hubby understands, no explanations necessary. So in this year of plenty, I intend to make plenty of time for check outs. I used to schedule these in my diary, and see now that in my busyness this practice got lost along the way... So here's to taking charge of the mommy guilt and the diary!

How do you manage the mommy guilt?

This look is a typical mommy on check out, I was actually having a really hectic work day (on a weekend) when we shot this. I then decided to shelf the work, go for some coffee and then snap some pics... All pieces are old favourites, as I haven't even had the time to shop either.

I guess classics will have to do 😊

PS: the bag is the only new purchase from one of my trips last year.

Outfit Details:

Old Sequin Parka (Coast & Koi)

Old tired top

A Sense of Style Skirt

Adidas Stan Smith Sneakers

Kate Spade slingbag

Black Pearl Earrings from Pleasures 

Caio for now,

RuBe xoxo

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Wrapping up this Decade

Hi beauties!

As this decade draws to a close, I find myself not only reflecting on this year and what has transpired, but also on what this past decade has brought. And boy, it has been an eventful one, filled with so much unexpected blessings and achievements, most of them not really planned in the traditional sense.

There have been so many areas of growth, expansion, change, and loads and loads of learning. At the start of the last century, my life was on a different course, I was still working feverishly in finance. I was mom to 3 young boys, juggling the crazy extra curricular driving with work, and being a home maker. I barely slept, I was constantly ON, studying part time and just about making time for my gym sessions. Whilst I was not really unhappy, I do remember my health taking a downward turn, my only kidney taking strain, as well as other major health issues popping up. It was clear that something needed to change; and yet it still took me a long time to come to terms with this and take the step toward the change.

During this last decade I started my blog journey (2012), left the corporate space (2013/2014), embarked on the entrepreneur path (2014), to mention a few of the life changing events. My professional journey has evolved so much in the past 10 years, which has transformed many times; into variations based on where I was at the time, what I've learnt and where my path has led me. At the close of the decade, I now find myself the office daily, working more than I did 10 years ago; however, with a distinct change ... I am now focused on growing our own businesses, engaging my passion for serving my fellow human, coaching, mentoring businesses and my continuous search for knowledge and seeing the world; and sharing this with others.

When I look at my 3 boys, who were all under the age of 11 at the start of the decade, I acknowledge that this has been one of the most rewarding area of growth and learning for me. I have had to learn to parent impressionable teens, nurturing them into young adults, being mindful of their individual personalities and characters. These young men have brought me such profound learnings, they have shown me how to look at myself critically and taught me what modelled behaviour should look like.  They have guided me on how to engage with them from a place of compassion, understanding and empathy while at the same time maintaining my parental responsibilities. This balance was the hardest thing to learn!

My personal path during these past 10 years has been nothing short of phenomenal, I have engaged and dealt with my childhood trauma with courage and grace. My past hurts are no longer regarded as millstones around my neck, and instead I am thankful for those tough times as they have shaped me into the individual I am today. There were scary moments of facing things which had been buried for years, but bringing them to light was so liberating and healing. All my inner work has enabled me to parent with awareness of my own weaknesses and when they creep into situations, I have learned how to manage my triggers and deal with my demons in my own way. 

We were immensely blessed to have received our invitation for pilgrimage (almost 3 years ago), a truly life changing event which literally fast tracked my own inner work. It put my entire life into perspective and shed light on my purpose on this earth. It taught me that my faith and the Divine is all I need to navigate my path. 

I have grown so much as an individual, my circle has diminished as I focused more and more on my own internal work and I have grown to understand human nature holistically. The biggest learning during these past 10 years has been to understand that forgiveness sets me free as much as it does the forgiven. That I am not qualified to determine who should or should not be forgiven, I am completely clear that my only focus should be on being the best I can be. It does not matter what anyone else says, does, or thinks as I cannot influence or change anyone else, I can only manage myself and my own actions; afterall I am accountable only for myself and those whom I have been tasked with the responsibility of nurturing and teaching.

This year hubby and I celebrated our 24th anniversary, and even the very foundation of our mariage has shifted during this last decade. Whilst we were both on our individual paths, focusing respectively on our own inner work; it has fostered appreciation, understanding and a stronger bond has been forged through our shared trials and tribulations. During my times of grappling with hurt, I found solace in my soul mate, and when faced with impossible situations, he supported me unconditionally. 🙏🏼

I am therefore heading into the next decade fully equipped to live to the best of my ability, to continue to seek knowledge, to be fully aware of my impact on the world and others, and to take responsibility for myself and my actions as I walk along my Decreed path. There have been so many firsts in this past 10 years, too many to list, and I remain eternally thankful to my Creator for all that I have been blessed with, for all that I have seen and experienced and for all the lessons which have strengthened me in so many ways, Algamdulilah. ♥️

Pics below are from my very first international birthday trip, as we usually only travel in December so that we can take the kids with us. This year we decided to break tradition and do a trip mid year, without the boys. And even though we had some work commitments, there was obviously time for holidaying as well!

Due to the heat in Dubai, I mostly wore silk dresses (like this one), light skirts and linen fabrics...

Wishing all of you a wonderful and prosperous 2020!

 Outfit details:

Boldtique dress

Old Scarf

Birkenstocks Sandals

Desigual Backpack

Old Earrings

Caio for now, 

RuBe xoxo

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Are we blind to abuse?

Asalaamu Alaykum & Welcome Readers,

It's been a while since I popped in here and shared my thoughts, and with the start of Ramadaan I felt I really wanted and needed to share my musings. Firstly, things have been really crazy with the launch of our travel agency, The Travel Connexion as you may have seen on social media, and of course life continues in between. This meant that we have literally been working 24/7 to get things off the ground, and at the same time I am trying to balance that, my own work, home and family life. So unfortunately the blog took a back seat, but with the start of the fast, which is my time for reflection and introspection, I wanted to drop you a few lines.

My topic may seem a bit heavy for the start of Ramadaan, but this has been something that has been sitting with me for a while. And this post has actually been in draft since January. Abuse comes in many forms, and I have seen it and experienced it in every sphere of my life. What is disturbing is how blind we are to it, and how normalised it has become in our interactions with each other. Rather than talk about the more common versions which we all know without a doubt is abuse, such as domestic abuse, child abuse, emotional abuse and so on, I would like to highlight the more subtle versions which are carried out every day without anyone batting an eyelid. 

My belief, and I have said this many times, is that every single person needs to be treated with respect as a human being first. Therefore any violation of an individual's basic human rights is a form of abuse, this refers to malice, disregard for a person's humanity and feelings and emotional warfare. I refer to emotional warfare, which is actually launching a full on personal attack without having the decency of having a discussion first. I have been at the end of vindictiveness without even knowing the rhyme or reason, and while I am very clear that this says more about the other person than it does about me, I find it totally unnecessary. 

The not so subtle digs in the virtual realm is another form of abuse, where the person dishing it out cannot say or do it in person, and hides behind a screen. Furthermore, slander or gossip (or fitnah which is a serious sin in Islam) is another form of abuse, and strips the dignity of the one perpetrating it, Subgaanallah. Cyberbullying and feeling entitled to the right to tell someone off in a public space causes more harm than good, and has resulted in really dire situations for our youth. Spreading fake news and rallying sensationalism and anger are further ways of violating someone else's dignity, it is even worse if the information has not been verified nor addressed with the individual in question. 

Basically, abuse is perpetrated when one uses power and influence in an underhand way, when one intentionally sets out to harm another in a malicious and venomous manner. I cannot condone this behaviour, and truth is the only panacea for this kind of violation. I am raising young men, future generations of leaders, and to show them that it is OK to stand by an accept abuse would be to fail in my Divine duty to my Creator. It is also not OK to allow abuse to be perpetrated when it is within your power to say or do something, this too is a Divine order. 

As the month of Ramadaan approached, I found myself in the space of wrestling with this concept. And my guidance came when I supplicated and performed Tahajjud salaah (prayer performed in the last third of night and before dawn) : "Speaking the truth may not be the easy thing to do, but it is the only thing to do to end abuse." And furthermore, I needed to accept that whichever way my Lord has decreed it should happen, I will accept with Grace. I have also had to sit with what my role in any form of abuse is and has been, and to rectify this as best I can. It is not enough to point fingers and say that others are meant to rectify something when I am not prepared to step in and do the same. Accountability starts with me and it is the only way to open the heart to forgiveness. Afterall, I cannot ask my Creator for Mercy or for Forgiveness if I am not prepared to sincerely make room for this in my own heart. 

So as I enter this month, with a clear heart and conscience I will continue to reflect and introspect, and ensure that I engage in the world from a place of truth and authenticity. Knowing full well that whatever I expect on this earth is something I am willing to do myself. 

My motto: "Check myself first."

One of my favourite Hadiths:

On the authority of Abu Sa’eed al-Khudree (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) say, “Whosoever of you sees an evil, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to do so, then [let him change it] with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his heart — and that is the weakest of faith.” [Muslim]

This look was clearly from two weeks ago, and I'm sharing it as it's a piece from the Huemine Image label, owned by my dear soul sister Aysha. This yellow python print piece jumped out at me when I popped into her studio. We've had this conversation around abuse many times, so I felt a little piece of her in this post is appropriate.💛

Outfit Details:

Lasercut Leather top (Old)

Huemine Image skirt

Shoes & Bag (Old)

Ralph Lauren sunglasses

Earring (Old)

Raw Silk Scarf (Old)

Caio for now, 

RuBe xoxo

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