Parenting One Day at a Time

Welcome readers,

The biggest role I fulfil is that of being a mother, I feel the significance of the Divine responsibility of being blessed with raising tiny humans upon me. Parenting is a responsibility that I do not take lightly and work at everyday. It means being the best I can be in my own world and being mindful of my Creator; setting an example for my boys, of how to manage themselves in the world; and through difficult situations.

Parenting is an ongoing journey, whether they're infants, toddlers, teenagers or adults. They will always be an extension of me walking around on this earth, like little pieces of my heart in different places. This means that as much as I have a responsibility to take care of myself, I have a responsibility to take care of those external parts of my heart. I am clear however, that they're young adults on the cusp of their own independent lives, and I therefore need to respect them enough to work at our relationship so that they would want me as a part of their lives. Right now everything is managed on their busy schedules, giving me a small glimpse of what life will be like when they've moved into their own spaces.

For now, managing young adults in the home is a continuous learning arena, each day brings new lessons, new perceptions and new ways of doing things. The moment I feel like I'm on the right path, I get a figurative kick in the head, reminding me that I'm not in control of this journey. Just like with life really, things don't always go as planned. And the only way I know to cope with any unforeseen hurdles, is to appeal and pray to my Creator for guidance. I am very aware that I do not have all the answers, and do not want to take on the burden of walking through life pretending I have all the answers. Frank discussions with my kids (i.e. my young men) where I am open about my shortcomings is key, and sharing my confusion or uncertainty around the next step in a solution. Often when I find myself at a loss for answers, I ask them for advice, a solution or way forward, and even what their recommended course of action would be. Sometimes they amaze me with their wisdom, and other times we just take it one day at a time.

Maintaining trust and living truthfully is a big concept in our home, and we understand that it has to go both ways. I cannot expect anything from them if I am not prepared to give it in return. After all, any relationship is a two way street, and means taking ownership on both sides of the relationship. Trust is a crucial component of any relationship; and when one looks at the parent-child engagement as a relationship, with the same building blocks, it brings trust and respect into the space. No feeling of kinship can be forced by some conditioned doctrine, it needs to be built on the fundamentals of a healthy relationship, regardless of the obligatory familial tie. I do not believe that I am entitled to be a part of their adult lives by virtue of the fact of who I am. On the contrary, I know full well that I need to firstly honour them, in order for them to honour me as a parent, trust them with truth so that they do the same; and at the core, treat them with dignity as human beings. For me this is what raising children is about, treating these parts of me as I would want to be treated, and being mindful that they are humans, with their own respective orientation in this world. It means being safe enough for them to own all the parts (the 'good' and 'not so good' parts) of themselves around me, without fear of judgement or fear of being admonished.

Furthermore, I have had to become accustomed to the fact that as adults, I am not privy to every single thing happening in their lives. I have to trust that they live their lives based on the principles I have instilled, taught and model. They are accountable for themselves, and fully understand consequences of their actions and behaviours. This is one of the hardest things to embrace, that these not-so-little young men do not need me to do much anymore. I miss those days where Mum was pivotal in their lives without it being an option, now Mum is a choice they make. My tendency towards separation anxiety kicks in when I think of it, and I know it's something I need to manage, and not burden them with.

There are many aspects to parenting adults which I am still grappling and coming to terms with. One of the biggest is that they need to make their own life decisions, and that it is not my place to protect them from whatever I may perceive will be hurtful. Their paths have been decreed, and my role is to support them from the sidelines, provide a safe haven when they need it or a healing balm to soothe their souls. It is essential that they always know that I will be around, arms wide open, for as long as they need me to be. Letting go of the apron strings and cutting the proverbial 'umbilical cord' is essential to empower them to live their lives without me placing any burdens or expectations on them. The only thing I hold onto is the premise that our relationship is built on a solid foundation, and will be able to withstand the inevitable storms which life will present.

I am currently in the training phase of weathering these storms in a parent-child relationship with  young adults.
Learning as I go along...

A thought for fellow parents to ponder:

“You can choose to disrespect me but I will not give you permission to hurt my spirit.”

― Lailah Gifty Akita 

My outfit today features a raw silk coat from Opulence, which I've styled before in a more formal way. Today I've styled it casually, paired with denims and one of my favourite classic heels.

  

  

Outfit details: 

Opulence Silk Coat

Woolworths jeans

Old Lace up heels

Mimco bag

Opulence silk scarf

Hse of Bespoke tassel earrings

Vogue sunglasses (Old)

Ciao for now, 

RuBe xoxo

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We all suffer the same Struggles

 Welcome lovely readers!

This week has been filled with episodes, work things, holiday things and so much more! It feels as if I have been saying this since January, and now when I look back I realise it's already been 6 months, and we've entered the second half of the year! One thing I have learnt this year is that life doesn't stand still, like time, life will pass me by if I don't make the most of it. Life can only be richer if I embrace everything with enthusiasm (including the trials) because this will be the only way I can imagine living a grateful and fulfilled life.

Gratitude takes many shapes, it is the conscious "Thank you" for blessings, it is in the overwhelming feeling of love from loved ones, it is in accepting the body we have been blessed with and acknowledging it's strength; and it is in the conscious awareness of those less fortunate. Gratitude for me includes embracing my trials, as difficult as it may be, dealing with it and ultimately just taking it one step at a time to get through it. And by the time I have taken a few steps forward, trusting and with complete faith in my Creator, do I realise the blessing in the trial. I can regard it as a preparation for what still has to come, or as an experience meant to alert me to my shortcomings or a trial meant to strengthen character.

Earlier this week I attended the launch of Saffron, a book containing a collection of personal narratives by Muslim women. The conversation at the launch was inspiring, it highlighted the courage it took for these women to publish their deepest thoughts, trials and tribulations. And it also became obvious how this is frowned upon on our community, that women feel that they cannot freely express themselves for fear of judgement or retribution. Upon reflecting on the discussions of the evening, a few things became crystal clear:

1. These stories relate to any woman, Muslim or not, and yet it is necessary to reassure Muslim women that it can be done. I know that women, across cultures, would benefit from reading these stories, and when I listened to non-Muslim attendees at the launch speak, I realised that they too face the same criticism for sharing personal stories, and for sharing taboo topics.

2. Some of these stories could refer to any male. There would have been a male spouse, father, brother or son who would have been privy to the heartache, the tears and anguish of these women. And so in this way they too would have been affected by the individual's trauma and struggles.

3. As human beings we have the same make up, we are all the same and we all hurt in the same way. What makes us different is the way we react to situations, our individual disposition and our inherent character. 

It is our inherent character which determines how we choose to live, how we choose to deal with suffering, hurt and hardships. And how we manage these is determined on our own individual orientation to the world. So while these stories come from women all over the world, as humans we could all be victims of the same angst, dealing with the same issues. And while I am all for women empowerment, I will never advocate it at the expense of males. I cannot truly be an empowered woman if I fail to see the value that each human brings to the world, male and female alike. I know that empowered males exist, those who support their counterparts in marriage, as a parent, as a sibling and as friends. I believe that we should include all of the human race in empowering each other, I choose to believe that we can effect change as a unified power. The reality is that this is not always the case, even in my closest circles, as it is easier to to focus on what makes us different rather than what makes us the same. And this my dear readers, is where we find ourselves in the hot water of life... So I can only focus on my own contribution to society and trust that this is enough...

My motto in life is to live authentically as possible, to focus on what makes me tick, forgetting what the world may think of me and setting the best example I know how for my young charges. 

This outfit is the perfect representation of me, quirky, different and wholly unconcerned with what others think of it. I was comfortable, it reflected me and my mood for the day. This is important to me, to be able to just be and not to wear my clothing as armour, instead I will be uniquely me! ♥️

Outfit details:

Huemine Image tweed top (old)

Pleated skirt (old)

Stockings (old)

Vans leather sneakers

Sunglasses from Opulence

Forever New Scarf

French Connection leather bag

Scarf gifted

Caio for now, 

RuBe xoxo

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Over-parenting struggles

Hello lovelies, 

Another week, another month... This year is flashing by too fast. I need some time to catch my breath (and also to catch up!). 

This past week has been a better one, and I've been trying to work on adjusting my parenting style a bit. Growing teenagers and young adults in the home necessitates the need for some parenting adjustment... I am really struggling with this as it means letting go of control.. (yeah my inner control freak still lurks around occassionally). It means letting go of over parenting and trying to protect them from everything bad, potentially bad and sometimes just unsavoury experiences. 

While waiting for university to start, my eldest has started working part time, it was a huge relief for me, because :1) he would be occupied and not lazing around for weeks and 2) he would have some cash to spend and wouldn't need to rely on me for everything! This has also brought some challenges as he is now fraternising with working young adults who are wholly independent and accustomed to just being (without parental interference 😩). 

This is where I struggle, at this phase I need to carefully balance no parental interference with just the right amount of guidance and support. During the past week it became clear that there were times where I was over parenting, and by doing this I was making it harder for him to choose, or make a decision. I thought I was helping, thought I was providing him with options, when all I was actually doing was confusing him even more, at a time when life is just generally confusing. I guess being a young adult, is hard enough, having to navigate your way from childhood into adulthood. It comes with increased responsibility, choices and consequences. 

So I have been trying to manage the parental instinct to protect my kid at all costs, where I would usually end up getting involved unneccesarily; and now, letting my son handle situations on his own. I have also understood that I have always tried to shield them from the harsh realities, and that  just by living life, they will experience things and see things we cannot always guard against. They are destined to experience their own life, find their own purpose and walk their own path. That is a difficult reality for me to accept, when my inclination is to make things easier for them, so that they go securely into the world. However, this is life, and in the same way that I walked a path which has shaped me, they will do the same. 

It is time to let him be.

Today's OOTD features a collection of classics which have all been in my wardrobe for a while now, except the sneakers... Every single piece is more than 2 years old, which reinforces my philosophy of buying high quality, classic pieces which can transcend trends. All brought together for an easy Saturday morning brunch appointment. 🌸

Outfit details:

Human Image crochet lace blazer

ZARA linen pants

ZARA sequin t-shirt

Adidas sneakers (Footlocker London)

Rebecca Minkhoff bag (old)

Rebelfunk scarf (old)

Lovisa Rose Quartz earrings

Giorgio Armani sunglasses from Sunglass Hut (old)

Caio for now, 

RuBe xoxo

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